The most
important story to a couple in a romantic relationship is the story of how they
met. It is also the most common question
asked of a couple no matter the context; most likely second in line to the
question about children. An exceptional
story of a romantic chance encounter can be, and usually does result in
tradition of telling, used as a bed time story for their children, grandchildren
and great grandchildren. The text, Interpersonal Communication and Human
Relationships by Knapp and Vangelisti, says the most common attraction to a
relationship, even subconsciously, is to meet future relationship partners in
an atypical, unpredictable manner. By examining selected scenes from the
culturally inspiring films Hitch, Fools Rush In, The Notebook,
The Break-Up, and Hope Floats I will discuss various
atypical, yet motivating, initial interaction. This
is a film analysis of the attraction of romantic relationships and how relationship partners get together.
Following the
lead of the authors, Mark L. Knapp and Anita L. Vangelisti, my analysis dissects
the process of “getting together.” First, there will be an examination of the impulses
associated with the process then a discussion on the stages which impulses would
most likely occur and the external conditions that may enable or inhibit the
initial interaction. Secondly, there
will be a brief discussion on how “sizing up the other person” can happen too
late in the bonding stage as seen in the appropriately titled film, Fools Rush In. That will be followed by an analysis of the
relationship between Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn in the 2006 comedy, The Break-Up. This film provides a
significant number of examples of how each person’s perception of the
relationship differently affects the relationship during the interaction stages
from differentiating to avoiding.
Because a relationship could almost be described as an entity in and of
it-self I see relationships as living organisms which can be sustained or die
and require a conscious mental, emotional and physical effort from each person. It is also important to point out that our
perception of others and the perception of our selves will change over time. The
effect of that acknowledgment, as he/she moves through various stages of relationships,
will also change over time. For example,
in The Notebook Noah and Allie’s
relationship was ruined by obligations to their social classes. Each of them had to deal with issues of education,
war, and death but from their different perspective of reality. Although the
two were drastically different they finally came together at the end and moved
through the stages of life as one.
Fifthly, the film Hope Floats
will be used to illustrate the principles, theories and analyses of the many aspects
of attraction to distinctive types of relationships. For me, the Pollyanna
Principle was strongly evident in Sandra Bullock’s character, Birdee. She was raised in a home where the family displayed
an attitude as though “pleasant events were more likely to occur than
unpleasant.” (Knapp, 1984)
To properly discuss the process of
getting together one must first discuss the reasons people are receptive to
begin including another individual. There is no need to pretend relationships
are perfect, or will be perfect for matter.
So why do we invite individuals into our life? To begin, the motivating
force behind a person commonly going to a bar, trying something new like speed
dating or even taking life risking measures like agreeing to a coffee date with
a person they met an online, is because the impulse to receive stimulation is
in everyone.
Keep in mind, there are different
types of stimulation that a person can want, such as, mental stimulation. An individual may want to expand their mind
and the impulse to receive stimulation may possibly be the same motivating
force as in the desire to become a “we” instead of an “I.” However, it was Knapp and Vangelisti
who said the impulse is nothing other than a person physically filling a
psychological void. The person(s) are
void of excitement, variety and/or secretly long for a change of pace within
their otherwise suitable lifestyle. An
example of this is Kevin James’ character, Albert Brennaman, in the movie Hitch.
Albert was satisfied with his job, had a beautiful New York apartment but
he wanted the excitement of dating Allegra Cole. His want motivates him to contact
Hitch and finally initiate the romance. Once a relationship has been initiated,
depending upon the context of the physical interaction upon initiation (if a
couple had sex right away or later), then the impulse to enhance the enjoyment
of certain activities should occur immediately, if not simultaneously, with the
impulse to receive stimulation.
The stage of
experimenting is often where feelings of trust begin to grow within each person
and becomes a physical extension of their love within their reality. That means that each person physically makes
an extra effort to accommodate their partner’s likes and dislikes, such as
buying their partner’s favorite cereal just because it will make them happy. This is also the stage where the impulse to
express personal experiences occurs.
Although that phase is not seen, it is implied in the opening credits of
The Break-Up where various pictures
of Brooke and Gary are displayed insinuating that personal information, such
as, likes, dislikes, and childhood stories were most likely exchanged. In Hitch,
Hitch actually does the same thing, but in reverse. He actually shows Sara (Eva Mendes) something
about her own family history, her grandfather’s immigration record when he entered
America.
People watching
is often claimed to be a favorite pastime for many people, so it is no surprise
that as a couple approach the bonding process that mates often require the
other to pass a series of “obstacles” to determine eligibility and
compatibility. Actually, “sizing the
person up” most commonly originates on day one of the relationship however,
there are instances when the couple rush through several stages of the
relationship and then allow themselves to accurately view their partner. For example, in Fools Rush In the characters Alex and Isabel, played by Matthew
Perry and Salma Hayek, meet in an atypical manner, spend a night together, and
because Isabel is pregnant, get married and then begin sizing each other up. For
instance, the scene when Isabel and Alex are in bed engaging in pillow talk is
a more intimate portrayal of sizing a person up. This strategy of sizing up a person initially
came from the minds of Miell and Duck. Meill and Duck said couples most
commonly ask direct questions, observe the other during the response and then
use reciprocal self-disclosure to verbally and non-verbally communicate vulnerability
and insecurities. Also, in Fools Rush In there is a non-intimate
example of sizing up a person. For
instance, when Alex’s and Isabel’s parents meet for the first time, Alex
(Matthew Perry) can be seen in the background staring directly at Isabel’s
father. Isabel’s father literally stands
up to his father, Richard. Most likely
Alex is taking in Isabel’s father’s physical structure and social behavior
within the situation. In my opinion it
is never too late to begin sizing up your mate however the relationship may
last much longer if a more accurate, realistic view of the partner is
established in the beginning.
Perception is the
process of using the senses to obtain information about the surrounding
environment, situation[1] or
person(s). Perception is an
individualistic understanding based on observations, thoughts and attitudes[2] and is
unconsciously triggered by each person’s education, culture and experiences
within those contexts. Each person’s
perception is different because what each person observes in a situation is
different; the individual’s perception in a relationship differently affects
the relationship during the interaction stages of differentiating,
circumscribing, stagnating and avoiding.
The romantic comedy, The Break-Up,
is the prime example of different perceptions affecting the interaction
stages. The characters Gary and Brooke
initiate their engagement in an atypical manner, Gary perceived Brooke was with
the wrong guy and initiated communication.
Therefore it would be safe to assume Brooke was mentally and physically
stimulated by Gary’s approach because they began a relationship, dating. Again, the opening credits are an example of
the experimenting and intensifying stages, a visual representation of the
evolution of Brooke and Gary’s relationship growth and their systematic
movement through the interaction stages. Scenes of Brooke and Gary purchasing a
condo embody the integrating and bonding stages of a relationship, movement
forward. Then from the argument and
relationship dissolution scene, after the dinner party, the remaining portion
of the film demonstrates the differentiating, circumscribing, stagnating,
avoiding and terminating stages.
Jennifer
Aniston’s character, Brooke, demonstrates a perspective of the relationship
dissolution that raises an interesting point. I doubt this is the first time
Gary has chosen to not neglect Brooke’s needs.
What most likely occurred is Brooke at first did not mentally process
Gary’s negative traits and then minimized his faults throughout the years, as partners
tend to do with loved ones. Gary loves
himself so much that he also minimizes his faults. However, Gary minimizes his fault as a
selfish partner in relationships to such an extent that it takes an extremely
sincere and honest speech from his best friend Johnny (Jon Favreau) for Gary to
recognize his selfish perspective. This
self-awareness was necessary for Gary because as Knapp and Vangelisti said, “our
perception of our self and the effect that that acknowledgment has on an
individual changes as he or she systematically moves in, out, and around the
various stages of relationships” and therefore it must also change the
individual as they move through relationships.
Based on the
book by Nicholas Sparks, the 2004 film, The
Notebook, is an example of a relationship as a living organism; demanding mental,
emotional and physical effort from each person to last. Again, the story begins with an atypical
introduction of the relationship however Allie (Rachel McAdams) and Noah (Ryan
Gosling) have more differences than similarities. They are from different social classes, have
different perspectives on education and must deal with drastically different
realities. The most popular scene in the film
is the reunion of Noah and Allie. After
spending a day on the lake feeding the ducks, and being drenched by an
unexpected downpour of rain, Allie asks Noah why he did not put in the physical
effort to continue the relationship, for her the emotional connection and
mental interest had not ended. Noah reveals
his physical effort of writing a letter each day of the year for a year; his emotional
connection and mental interest had not ended either, and he was still
interested. “It still isn’t over,” said
Noah. Then in a later following scene
Noah again proclaims his mental and emotional dedication to Allie, he wants to
embrace their differences and is up to the never ending task of getting to know
her. Later, in the elderly assisted
living center, Noah continues his relationship sustaining efforts on a daily
basis in hopes that Allie might mentally rejoin him in the relationship, she
has developed Alzheimer. Their three
fold connection lasts for as long as the two are alive, as they die holding
hands.
Lastly mentioned
in this analysis are the principles, theories and analyses used in conjunction
to the many faces of attraction. The
late 90’s film Hope Floats is a great
example of the Pollyanna Principle (Matlin and Stang); the principle that most
people tend to describe themselves as optimists or rate themselves as “better
than the average person.”[3] This story
features a couple who meets in a very typical environment, high school, but end
in the relationship in an atypical manner, on national television. The first illustration of the Pollyanna Principle
is seen in various scenes through-out the film, such as, when Birdee (Sandra
Bullock) and Bernice (Mae Whitman) drive into Smithville and they speak of
Birdee being the crowned “Queen of Corn” during the town’s festival. Bernice
actually mistakenly says the “cream of corn” which I found to be a very
interesting similarity to the phrase “cream of the crop.” This insinuates that
Birdee may have thought she was better than the average person. Birdee says to Bernice, “Your momma knew what
it meant to shine;” implying that she held herself in high regard.
Secondly, the Pollyanna
Principle says people tend to expect more pleasant events to occur more likely
than unpleasant events and more than often report, with passage of time, events
are remembered as more and more pleasant.[4] There are
a few clever, easy to miss lines in the scene where Birdee goes to an
employment agency to get a job. Dot,
known as “polka dot” during high school says, “We didn’t exactly eat at the
same lunch table,” or “nobody has called me that in a longtime,” and “was I
really that terrible before.” These
distinctive conversation markers are obvious indications that the harmless high
school teasing was much less pleasant than Birdee remembered. Dot also says, “He [Bill, Birdee’s husband]
always was a ladies man,” also indicating Birdee had turned a blind eye to
Bill’s cheating as early as in high school. However, in the end of the scene
Birdee humbles herself before Dot and honestly admits she was unaware of how
hurtful she had been in the past, but she would really like to be employed yet
still keep her dignity, she is asking for a pleasant outcome out of this
unpleasant event.
The third
illustration of the Pollyanna Principle is, usually people tend to overvalue
the importance of pleasant events and to undervalue the importance of unpleasant
events.[5] An example
of this is the attic scene between Birdee and her mother, played by Gena
Rowlands, where Birdee says, “Besides how could we have trouble, Prom Queen and
Quarterback, the pride of Smithville…”
Birdee really plays up how important she was in her younger years,
playing up the more pleasant part of her past.
Then she says, “At cocktail parties the women Bill worked with would
never look at me. There was always
somebody better to talk to,” as she tells her mother her experiences after
realizing Bill was cheating. However, there
is also an example of the reverse of this trait; Birdee has overvalued the unpleasant
events of her life. Birdee says to her
mother, “I had to be pleasing mamma with the town joke as a mother. I had to learn to be pleasing.” Although her mother may have been an
embarrassment in the past, I think over time she may have come to think of that
experience to be worse than it truly was.
Whether the initial interaction
happens in a typical manner between typical people, like the Prom Queen and the
quarterback similar to the characters Birdee and Bill in Hope Floats, a boy doing a stupid and crazy stunt to get a girl’s
attention, like Noah climbing the Ferris wheel to get Allie to agree to a date
in The Notebook or atypical people
who meet in an atypical manner like the characters Brooke and Gary in The Break-Up. The story of how relationship partners get
together has always been a subject I wanted to explore. I do not consider myself very “styled” in
the manner of beginning and maintaining a healthy romantic relationship, but
similar to the characters in the films discussed in this analysis I also had to
acknowledge and then analyze my own perspective, identify my social goals and
learn to communicate in a manner that can be received positively by a
relationship partner. It is all a part
of the growing process of life.
Bibliography
Encarta Dictionary: English. (n.d.). Perception
(noun). North America: Encarta.
Knapp, M. L. (1984). Interpersonal Communication
and Human Relationships. Austin: Pearson.
No comments:
Post a Comment